Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club