Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.