as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
You Might Also Like
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Ken is short for chicken
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila