Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
house sitting!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Cake safety first. Always.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.