Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?