*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
just make the entire table out of coaster
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…