Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You Might Also Like
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
good work, everybody
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire