TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!