Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.