watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.