Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww