*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Squirrels before girls.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.