My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Not all heroes wear capes…
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
When can I start eating bats again.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m an avid indoorsman.