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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
No laws when master is gone
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.