Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then