Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it