Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Stonehinge
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”