(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?