Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.