Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
very niche meme I made
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.