girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Got him!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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