Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Jesus Christ lmao
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
They’re really bad with fonts.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Follow me for more life hacks.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind