My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
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I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one