If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.