While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
i’m still crying at this