I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
How it started How it’s going
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.