[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
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Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Confused owl: What?!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁