I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Boom, boom, ching!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!