me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you