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“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%