Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Muppet Screams
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.