Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The three genders
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.