Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown