If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Wednesday
I’m sorry…what?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.