STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?