[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Eat…
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!