GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
The real reason evolution started..😂
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
i’m still crying at this
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.