I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”