Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The pasta is now
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Bootstraps
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.