You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
work smarter, not harder
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.