My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.