Me trying to look natural in photos
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.