Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
それは草
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”