if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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the three branches of government
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise