Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*limbos under the caution tape
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.