is this meant to deter me
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Optional boss fight.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*