I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I just ran a .003048K
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.