Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.