I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.