what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I know this now 😂
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.